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I’m remodeling my kitchen.

There, I’ve said it. The declaration is out there, in the public domain, where someone will hear it. I’ve wanted to remodel for years. I’ve always moved into older, unrenovated homes and lived with their quirks, making surface improvements only. I did remodel a kitchen, once, but solely so I could get the house sold. And now, finally, I’m going to do a remodel for me.

This has been an agonizing decision, reached over a series of months and years, and I’ve been trying to figure out why. At first, I thought I had it all sorted: it’s the money, naturally. Did we have enough? But then I heard another question that complicated the analysis: “SHOULD we spend the money?” And finally, the heart of the matter: “Do I deserve it?”

I believe that at least in certain aspects of my life, I’ve decided good things are for other, fortunate people. People who really deserve those good things. They must donate a lot to charity, or they work with the homeless, or they care for their sick grandmother. I don’t know where this belief comes from, but I’ve realized it can keep me from doing or being what I want to do or be. It almost blocked my decision to go ahead with a tasteful, financially sound renovation to the home we’re planning on staying in for years. And the demo hasn’t started yet, so even now the probability is less than 100% that it will occur.

I want to take steps to ensure that this belief I’ve identified doesn’t hinder my attempts to write a great book and get published. Well, you may say, you don’t have control over that: there are so many factors in the writing-and-getting-published scenario which are out of your control. And that’s true. But remodeling my kitchen has been entirely in my control, and up until now I’ve been unable to get it done. I don’t usually believe in karma, but maybe there is something to believing it will happen, visualizing the end state, believing you DESERVE IT.

There’s that old thing you probably used to hear from your elders: “Don’t get your hopes up.” I think you should get your hopes up, way up.

I’ll try it too.

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